In 2009, my fiancé (and best friend since 2003) and I ended our relationship.
There was a lot of drama, and tears, and about a year of silence between us, but ultimately we were able to move past it all and rekindle our friendship. By then, she had another boyfriend, I had another girlfriend, and life had resumed its usual rhythm. But during our tumultuous break-up and the few dark months that followed, I had conceived an idea for a novel, a sort of “what if” scenario, if things between us had taken a darker turn than they did, and I began outlining the plot of the book and taking copious notes, and then I put it all in a drawer and mostly forgot about it while I resumed working on the troublesome novel I had been involved in since 2007.
It wasn’t until recent events, when my friend passed away suddenly from suicide just after Thanksgiving, that I began thinking about that book again, and what it meant to me then compared to now, now that everything has changed. I suddenly felt a sense of urgency to write it, as if it was necessary considering where my head and heart had been forced to go, when I had to say goodbye to her for the last time.
For the past month, I have been heavily involved in this dark story of love, loss, and what we are ultimately prepared to do for the ones we love. I have put that other novel aside, taking a much needed break away from it, in order to immerse myself entirely into this book. I can tell you, there’s a lot of emotion involved in this, a lot of places I had thought I’d never have to go again. But it’s familiar territory, and not all bad, and I know it’s what I have to do if I am to ever heal from this incredibly painful wound. I know the scar will remain, and it will be deep and always there as a reminder, but I’m okay with that, because it’s something I don’t want to forget.
I should state here that this book will be a work of fiction, but as it should already be obvious, based on real events and emotions that happened to me over the course of fifteen years. When I’m done, I promise to return to the original novel, the one that means a great deal to me and has given me so much trouble over the years, and finish it once and for all.
So this will be that novel about her, and us, the one I told her about some time after we broke up in November of 2009. This will be for her.